Archive for April, 2011

journal april 9, 2011

west fenceline at lindornea

west fenceline at lindornea

I used to take every Sunday off and stay in Lindornea, not talking to a single soul all day. I’m not really disconnected because the phone is right there and sometimes people text or mom calls.

I’m very sensitive to the vibrations that other people send out. I’m like a sponge and I absorb them. I’m also very empathic. Mostly I guard against it with various soul numbing tools that I’ve picked up along the way. People who are extroverted drain me excessively. After a time I just get tired of holding up my reflector shields and I have to be in a safe place to let them down so I can heal and rest. I really cannot rest when I am around other people. It does not happen. I can feel them and what they release… emotion, pain, energy. It is just there. It is nobody’s fault.

Also, electronics emit energy that constantly stimulates me. The raido, in itself, does not but other things do such as computers and televisions. I can watch a movie and relax, tho but I cannot relax in front of a computer in itself as it normally runs. Facebooking, emailing, reading etc does more harm to me than “good”. I can’t deal with the television on all the time but at the same time the noise is a good buffer for me not to pick up on everything everyone is feeling and the energy they are omitting.

The best thing I can do is go somewhere, or stay home, where I do not have to speak to another human being all day long. Sometimes shopping at thrift stores will help because I use a part of my brain … I have an awful time shopping at the grocery store, for example, with out an iPod in my head to keep me from picking up on other’s vibes. I actually prefer to listen to Thom Hartmann’s political show, which is weird but his attitude and voice are very soothing to me. Audio books help a lot. Music is “okay” to shop by but not as good as something that occupies that part of my mind.

It is getting to the point, with all the caregiving I am doing, that I need to make a list of things to do to take care of myself. It is so odd how easily I forget to even take care of my very basic needs. There are so many other details that slip through the cracks because there is always some other need that has to be filled right now that I forget.

I’m dragging home a bathtub to burry to plant my day lilies in. that way the gophers don’t eat the tubers and I will have survival food crop planted (and beauty to look at!)
I was watching a movie called “Skinwalkers” the other night. I have watched it before. One part of the movie where the lawyer talks to the cop and tells him how the medicine man had her grandfather walk out to the mesa every morning and make an offering of corn pollen. And before he knew it the grandfather’s diabetes was under control, he had lost weight, was off of medication, etc. There is a little place up on the edge of the ridge that I like to go. There is a place there that I call the altar. Boom and I used to go there all the time and watch the deer graze in the evenings. I would love to put candles and so on there … but my cousin would be in my business and would mention it to my parents and then it would no longer be a private thing.


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